Joe Jokes
Because it's a subversion of your expectations in a way that's funny, which you are conditioned to react to with laughter; i.e. it's a joke.
Everyone loves a ShaggyDog
Just some Yarns and Shaggy Dog stories. Usually met with a groan at the end. You may recognize yourself or family members in these stories. I'll try and have an audio version but sometimes it will be just a bit of reading. Safe for the kids to listen to. (Oh, and they are usually not true)
People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist". Their words not mine...
People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist". Their words not mine...
Click here after each "story"
Greg, Christina and Gabby came over on Sunday for supper. I BBQ’d ribs and made some coleslaw, fries and corn on the cob. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Gabby received her plate, she started eating right away.
"Gabby, Please wait until we say our prayer." Christina said. Gabby said "I don't need to." "Of course, you do " Greg said. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Gabby said. "But this is Pop’s house and he knows how to cook. Can Fish Drive?
So I saw Daisy and Gabby the other day and took Daisy aside and told her that I had a joke she could tell Gabby. I said "Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
So she went over to Gabby and said "'Two goldfish are in a... in a....', and asked 'What do goldfish live in?' And Gabby said 'Uuh, a goldfish bowl?' She seemed satisfied with that answer and continued... 'Oh yeah.. So, two goldfish are in a goldfish bowl, one turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing"' I was walking with my brother Danny in the mall the other day. He stops me, and points into a store, where a little boy (maybe 6 years old) was looking curiously at a female mannequin.
I didn't get it, but he said "just wait for it..." Sure enough, the kid reaches up and pulls the bikini bottom down on the mannequin. The kid's mother soon noticed what her son did, and she was bright red with embarrassment. So naturally, Danny walks up to her and says: "I'm going to the beach tomorrow. Mind if I borrow your kid?" We went into the food court to a restaurant that we've never been to before. It mainly sells gyros and other foods of the sort. I could tell Danny was unsure of what to get, as he told me to order by saying, "You go first... This is all Greek to me." Walked in to a bar....
So I was waiting at a bar for Danny to show up, he was late as usual. When he walked in I thought I figured out the reason why, he was wearing just one shoe. I said "lose a shoe?" He replied "Nope, found one".
Stupid dog. I keep telling him to go left, but does he? No, right, always right.
So Robyn and I are on our way to Auburn the other day and she smacks me on the shoulder and says "Joe, that's the third car you've almost hit in the last 5 minutes!" I replied, "I'm driving?"
(This one is PG-13) Robyn and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. We turned on a 'night light' then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our dogs like to chase our cat we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so I ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Robyn didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, so she explained to him that I would be out momentarily as I was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later I got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to Robyn's growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening..... 
I was sitting at a bar with Danny when he looked across the bar and said "look at those two drunks, that will be us in ten years". I looked and told him "to look closer, that's a mirror".
We've had very odd weather this winter. Cold in the morning and too warm on the way home. I had stopped to pick up supper on the way home, wearing my areostitch and a jacket under it. While waiting at the checkout a lady says to me "you look hot". I couldn't help myself and said "you don't look so bad yourself". The cashier chuckled.
A few years ago I was sitting at a bar with Danny and in walks a mutual friend from high school that we hadn't seen for a few years. She put on some weight and was very self conscious of it. After a quick hi how are ya the next thing out of her mouth is "yeah I know I'm big, I just had a baby" Danny looks up from his beer and replies "for lunch?"
Some "polite" insults
Mister Rogers wouldn't want you as a neighbor. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! I don't have the time or crayons to explain it to you. 8 people were killed in what became known as the London Beer Flood after 1,470,000 L of beer burst out of brewery and gushed into the streets on October 17 1814
"Legend has it he got out to pee three times before the current finally dragged him under..." My uncle drowned in a vat of beer. Three men tried to save him, but he bravely fought them off I bet they barley saw it coming. Too bad they couldn't hops out of the way. Sounds Brewtal. Seriously? Eight people died and you're making puns? The yeast you could do is show some respect. I don't think ale be sticking around this site too much lager. Chuck walked into work the other morning wearing a paper towel like a hat. We tried to ignore it but but finally had to ask. He said he forgot a parking ticket and now had a bounty on his head.Robyn took her mom out for lunch. The restaurant had some large cookies on display and Robyn's mom asked how much they were. The waitress said 2 for a dollar. She asked "how much for one?" The waitress said 75 cents. My Mother in law said "I'll take the other one" .
Trying to invest in something that will help during retirement I bought some stock in a company that makes glass coffins. Will it be a success? Remains to be seen.
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Worms?
A short story that shows real understanding. Told at work (on break of course). The smart WaspSo there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean's list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him. He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn't been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there's no punchline
Little Jose (me, Joe)When I was a little kid my Mom would take me to the Angels games, when they were still the Anaheim Angels. Because I was so fair skinned she had me wear a sombrero to keep from getting sun-burned (we had to sit in the cheap seats in right field). Because of the sombrero she would joke and call me Jose, telling people I was her little blonde Jose. I always got upset when at the beginning of the game everyone would stand up and I’d be like a mushroom in a forest of redwoods and they would all say “Jose, can you see?”
Last night my brother Raymond drank a whole bottle of Wite-Out thinking it was Viagra.
Apparently he woke up this morning with a massive correction. A Tired Cat
I guess Raymond has decided he's been alone long enough, he's getting a mail order bride from Czechoslovakia You know, a check mate.
I have various things on my nightstand, computers, ipods, lamp.... last night i put 2 glasses on it, one full one empty. Robyn asked "what are you doing?" I said, one was in case I got thirsty at night and one was in case I didn't.From Greg, a CHP friend:
I chased a guy who ran a stop sign. It took about 3 blocks, but he finally stopped and pulled over. He had no idea I was pulling him over. I get out of the car and go over to him. He says to me, 'what is going on?' I say, 'What do you mean? You ran that stop sign back there. I'm writing you a ticket.' 'That stop sign," he said. 'I've been running that stop sign for 20 years. I have never stopped.' 'Well, guess you will stop tomorrow.' The next day I'm out riding around when I come on to an accident. That same guy is sitting on the curb. So I get off my bike and walk over to him. I say to him, 'what happened? I thought you were going to stop today.' He says, 'I didn't cause this, go talk to that guy.' He points me down the way to another person talking to a cop. I walk over to him and ask, 'What happened?' The guy says to me, 'I've been following that guy down this route for 20 years, and he has never stopped at that stop sign.' Some quickiesA blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
I'm in a band called "Missing Cat." I'm sure you've seen our posters. I was browsing Craigslist the other day and I saw an ad that said: 'Television for sale, one dollar, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.' So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said: 'You are.' A magician was driving down a road then he turned into a driveway. A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?" A neutrino walks into a bar.The bartender asks "can I get you anything?""No, I'm just passing through." A man and a giraffe when in a bar and started drinking. The giraffe pasted out and the drunk man went to leave when the bar tender said "you cant leave that lyin there." and the drunk replied "its not a lion its a giraffe" Lora and I were standing in line at Starbucks when an obviously blind girl asked if we saw where her friend went. Lora said "I don't know, what does she look like?"Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. One looks over at the other and asks "have you seen my brother?" The other penguin says, "I'm not sure, what's he look like?"
Robyn and I were thinking about taking a vacation. We started talking about going to Hawaii and I finally said we just couldn't do it. She said that of all the places I couldn't take her to that this was the nicest one.
I dream of becoming a selfie photographer.. I can just picture myself doing it.Speaking of violins, I finally learned the
difference between a violin and a fiddle. A violin has 4 strings. A fiddle has 4 strangs. 
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I was watching Daisy for a couple of hours the other day and while we were building block castles I was eating some peanuts from a bowl by the couch. I said "these taste a little funny". Daisy said that that tasted fine when they said M&M and she sucked the chocolate off.
I was eating breakfast with Gabby, my 5 year old Granddaughter, and I asked
her: “What day is it tomorrow?”
She said “It’s President’s Day!”
She’s a smart kid, so I asked, “What does President’s Day mean?”
I was waiting to hear something about Washington or Lincoln...
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have three more years of Bull
Shit.”
You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose!
her: “What day is it tomorrow?”
She said “It’s President’s Day!”
She’s a smart kid, so I asked, “What does President’s Day mean?”
I was waiting to hear something about Washington or Lincoln...
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have three more years of Bull
Shit.”
You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose!
I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time
 Ice Pirates
In the early 1800s we had lots of pirates, and no global warming. In the 20th century. we have not as many pirates and too much global warming.
Therefore, pirates are fighting global warming. Therefore, pirates are cool. |
At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it
I had to replace my spark plugs the other day and couldn't find my gauge. I called the local shop who said "just use a dime". I didn't have a dime so I used 2 nickels...
So Mom is living with us now. I drove the truck with the contents of her abode up in a U-Haul truck. At one point driving up 99 we saw a large number of cows along side the road. I said, "Look! a flock of cows". Mom looked at me and said "Herd of cows". I replied, of course I've heard of them, there's a flock of them right there".
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Mom and I met Brian and Wesley at Wonderful Chinese for lunch the other day and when Mom's lunch came she said "Where's the duck sauce". I replied "Probably next to the quackers"
With my birthday approaching I was thinking about my last one. Raymond, Danny and I were all having a beer. It was out on the deck and pretty soon we all had a fly in our beer. Raymond looked disgusted and poured a new one. I shrugged and drunk it down. Danny picked up the fly and shouted, "Spit it out, spit it out".__________________
I bought a carton of milk today. It said 2% on it. I was a little worried when it didn't say what the other 98% was.Speaking of which:
Q: What’s the fastest Liquid on Earth? A: Milk, it’s pasteurized before you see it. 
Velcro - what a rip off!My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Knock knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls Who? Yes, they do. I went to the doctor for a check-up. He said "Joe, you're fat". I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said "OK, you're ugly too." 
I was walking down the road when I saw an 5 guys next to the street shaking a carpet. I shouted to them, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" |
When we were little we didn't have much. Much money at least. I remember taking sack lunches to school when we could and "coming home for lunch" when we couldn't. By the time Lora was in third grade she got a Charlies' Angels lunch box. It came with its' own Thermos. Lora asked me "what's this?" I told her "a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The next day when I got home (she had a shorter day and was always home before me watching Brady Bunch) and yelled at me when I walked in the door "Joey!, you lied to me!". I was taken aback and said "what are you talking about?" She said "you told me a thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." I said "yes". "Well I put chicken soup and ice cream in it and they weren't hot or cold"
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway there Saturday morning the weather was too bad for fishing. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." So I said, "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Beats the shit out of me. Nobody's ever let me in before."
A Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was an extremely well dressed, physically fit, good looking guy on the dance floor. He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips, smiling and having a great time.
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We took Mom and Lora to the american river the other day and mom stayed with us while lora went across the bridge where we parked. we walked parallel for awhile then lora shouted "how do i get to the other side?" Mom shouted back "you are on the other side!"
How do you tell the difference between a girl ant and a boy ant?
Drop each in water, the one that floats is a bouy-ant Ok, this one is true. When Robyn and I were in Mendocino at a hotel bar we were asking about whale watching. The bartender said she was born and raised in Ft. Bragg and the only time she had seen whales were (she pointed) on that deck and that porch. Robyn waited but I was quiet. She finally said "Well, aren't you going to say anything?" I said, "No, I'm sure they had good seats on the deck and porch".
Raymond and I went to the market to pick up a few items. As usual, one of those was an 18 pack of MGD (beer for the washed). At the checkout counter the cashier asked if we wanted the beer in a bag. Raymond looked at her with wide open eyes and said "I really think just leaving it in the cans is just fine"
The Mexican magician proclaimed he could disappear into thin air. So he counted, "Uno... Dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizzas? Little Caesars Two snowmen standing in a field. One turns to the other and says: 'Do you smell carrots?' I got my gun permit yesterday. I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked 'that' bad. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays." |
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It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. I stood under the awning beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what i was doing. "Fishing," I said. He looked at me like I wasn't all there and invited me to have a drink in the pub. As we were sipping our Jack Daniels, the gentleman asked, "How many have you caught today?" I said "You're the eighth.
My sister in law Kathy does various rodeo events and was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal.
When the vet had completed his examination Kathy asked, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at her, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!" 
Noses run in my family.
Do you know why flamingos sleep with one leg pulled up? If they pulled up both legs, they'd fall over. 
You know how birds fly in a V-formation and often times one side of the V is longer than the other - do you know why that is?
There are more birds on that side. Did you know that the people who live across the road from the cemetery can't get buried there? Why?" Because they're still alive So, I had to go down and visit my Mom. I couldn't make the whole ride down and back in one day so I stopped in a really cheap motel on the way back. How cheap? So I get the keys and head to my room. I soon discover that I have a leaky sink. So I call down to the front desk and report that, "I got a leak in my sink."
After a slight delay, the voice at the other end responds, "Go ahead." 
I was Skyping with Danny the other day, he is in Ireland so it was pretty late there. He was showing me his new apartment and walked into the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" I asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," Danny replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said Danny. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!" 
I called Raymond the other day and said "I heard you got a job at a bakery. " "Yep" he said, " I knead the dough." |
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk. There's a guy at work that is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop at anytime. 
We had a lot of rain last night. Just after dark I heard some noise at the back door. I went to check on what it was and when I opened the door four frogs hopped in.
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Wesley goes to one of the schools I fix computers at. Last time I was there I stopped in his room and witnessed this:
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Wesley, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Wesley: "Because I've already have a cat!"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Wesley: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Wesley, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Wesley: "Because I've already have a cat!"
I CAN CUT DOWN A TREE JUST BY LOOKING AT IT. IT'S TRUE! I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.
Gabby asked Greg, her father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" Greg said: "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," After dinner Greg asks, "Now, Gabby, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," she said. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do! 
You ever get air for your tires at the gas station?
You remember when you could air up for free? Now they charge for using their air compressor. I guess that is inflation..... |
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. 
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love 'baskin' robins.'"
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I'm developing a phobia of German sausage...
I FEAR THE WURST.
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. |
I was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things on the way home from work when I noticed an old lady following him around. She kept looking over at me. When I went to the checkout line, she said she only had a few things and was in a hurry so I let her go in front of me.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," I replied, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure, no problem." So, as the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" The clerk took care of my items, ringing up just over $14.00. He then took a second receipt and added the two receipts with a pencil. He said my total was $127.50. "How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. |
Robyn and I were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will".
"Just so you know," I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Robyn got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
"Just so you know," I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Robyn got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
An old favorite:
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job. The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms !' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before..
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, ".................
BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but... 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job. The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms !' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before..
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, ".................
BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but... 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
Nick was stopped by a game warden at Folsom Lake recently with two buckets of fish.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Nick replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
Nick looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
He poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Nick asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" he asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" Nick asked.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Nick replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
Nick looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
He poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Nick asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" he asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" Nick asked.
Danny told me that on his flight to Ireland an attendant announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!" Know how we know the earth isn't flat? Because if it was, the cats would have knocked everything over the edge. 
|
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!" I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore! |
I tried ordering some tennis balls off the internet last night but the site kept crashing. Must be having a problem with their server.
I ate lunch at an outside restaurant yesterday and it started to rain. Took me two hours to finish my soup. Even worse, rain got in my cocktail and dampened my spirits. Nick was over the other day. He does a lot of work outdoors and thinks he's in pretty good shape. He was making fun of how out of shape I am. Finally I said "I'll make a bet with you, loser washes the other guys car/truck. I'll bet you I can carry something in this wheelbarrow over to the woodshed that you can't wheel back". He was all smiles when he agreed. So I went over and got the wheelbarrow and came back. I said to him, "Alright, get in." |
So there was an Irishman who ran a Bed & Breakfast in the countryside named Shaun. One morning, a leprechaun walked into Shaun's B&B and asked for a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Shaun obliged the leprechaun, and sent him on his way.
The next day, the leprechaun was back, again asking for a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Again, Shaun provided him with both.
The third day, Shaun's banana supplies were running dangerously low. The leprechaun once again walked in, but Shaun said he could only give him half of a banana and a five-cent euro. The leprechaun accepted those and left.
The next morning, Shaun checked the unoccupied bedrooms (as is the wont of any B&B proprietor worth his rustic countryside location) and noticed the bedspread slightly ruffled. Puzzled, as he knew it was perfectly crisp the day previous, he straightened it out and went about his business. He reached the front desk.
The leprechaun was there.
Once more the leprechaun requested his tithe of tropical fruit and petty change, but Shaun only had a quarter of a banana left in the whole building by then, and he was saving it for his lunch. Still, he didn't want to upset the leprechaun and risk losing the valuable Sidhe customers that kept his establishment afloat between tourist seasons, so he gave it to the leprechaun.
When Shaun checked the open bedrooms the following morning, he was shocked to discover that the bedroom with the mysteriously ruffled bedspread only twenty-four hours previous was trashed. All the furniture was only vaguely identifiable as furniture, it looked like it would be much more at home in a dump. The windows were shattered, as were the mirrors, and there was neon yellow spray paint on every wall. In a state of shock, Shaun headed to the front desk to see him. Shaun exploded at the leprechaun, refusing to give him any more bananas or coins. In an angry puff of fruity smoke, the leprechaun vanished.
That evening, Shaun went to a pub, needing a few very strong drinks after the whole affair. He got them and headed back to his B&B. When he arrived, it was not there, replaced by a smoldering crater and the wreckage of his beloved Bed & Breakfast and a few charred corpses of one-time guests of his. Shaun stood there in shock for a few seconds before the leprechaun walked up and stood beside him. Shaun asked the leprechaun if he was the one who ruffled the bedspread.
"Yes," said the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he destroyed the furniture and painted all the walls.
"Yes," answered the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he blew up the Bed & Breakfast.
"Yes," replied the leprechaun.
Shaun asked why he always wanted a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Shaun asked why he retaliated with increasingly violent backlash when he did not receive a full banana. Shaun asked why he blew up Shaun's livelihood.
"I can tell you," answered the leprechaun, "but you must promise me first that you will never speak of it to another living soul for as long as you live."
Shaun agreed.
And what the leprechaun told Shaun, we will never know, because Shaun kept his promise and died without telling a single living soul.
The next day, the leprechaun was back, again asking for a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Again, Shaun provided him with both.
The third day, Shaun's banana supplies were running dangerously low. The leprechaun once again walked in, but Shaun said he could only give him half of a banana and a five-cent euro. The leprechaun accepted those and left.
The next morning, Shaun checked the unoccupied bedrooms (as is the wont of any B&B proprietor worth his rustic countryside location) and noticed the bedspread slightly ruffled. Puzzled, as he knew it was perfectly crisp the day previous, he straightened it out and went about his business. He reached the front desk.
The leprechaun was there.
Once more the leprechaun requested his tithe of tropical fruit and petty change, but Shaun only had a quarter of a banana left in the whole building by then, and he was saving it for his lunch. Still, he didn't want to upset the leprechaun and risk losing the valuable Sidhe customers that kept his establishment afloat between tourist seasons, so he gave it to the leprechaun.
When Shaun checked the open bedrooms the following morning, he was shocked to discover that the bedroom with the mysteriously ruffled bedspread only twenty-four hours previous was trashed. All the furniture was only vaguely identifiable as furniture, it looked like it would be much more at home in a dump. The windows were shattered, as were the mirrors, and there was neon yellow spray paint on every wall. In a state of shock, Shaun headed to the front desk to see him. Shaun exploded at the leprechaun, refusing to give him any more bananas or coins. In an angry puff of fruity smoke, the leprechaun vanished.
That evening, Shaun went to a pub, needing a few very strong drinks after the whole affair. He got them and headed back to his B&B. When he arrived, it was not there, replaced by a smoldering crater and the wreckage of his beloved Bed & Breakfast and a few charred corpses of one-time guests of his. Shaun stood there in shock for a few seconds before the leprechaun walked up and stood beside him. Shaun asked the leprechaun if he was the one who ruffled the bedspread.
"Yes," said the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he destroyed the furniture and painted all the walls.
"Yes," answered the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he blew up the Bed & Breakfast.
"Yes," replied the leprechaun.
Shaun asked why he always wanted a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Shaun asked why he retaliated with increasingly violent backlash when he did not receive a full banana. Shaun asked why he blew up Shaun's livelihood.
"I can tell you," answered the leprechaun, "but you must promise me first that you will never speak of it to another living soul for as long as you live."
Shaun agreed.
And what the leprechaun told Shaun, we will never know, because Shaun kept his promise and died without telling a single living soul.
In Old Town Auburn on Halloween they have "Safe Halloween" where the merchants give out candy. Robyn dressed as Cruella de Vil. She had about 300 visitors and almost ran out of candy. She almost had to retreat!
I heard that on Sunday morning Wesley went to church and was standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
After a bit the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Wesley ."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Wesley 's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
I went to check the mail yesterday when i saw a cat meowing at a door. i walked up and petted the cat then rang the doorbell for him. it didn't occur to me what i had done until i was around the corner and heard "sara, you won't BELIEVE this but the cat just rang the doorbell!"
Trying to relief my stress I stopped by to calm my nerves last night. I thought I should let Robyn know so I asked the bartender "what's the wifi password?".
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.
Gabby stayed the night the other day and surprised Robyn one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. She made it himself and was so proud. She anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
Robyn had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Gabby replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'
Robyn had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Gabby replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'
Greg's favorite joke is about 2 muffins in the oven and one muffin says "It's getting hot in here". The other muffin says "Holy s#1* a talking muffin". Well, the other day Gabby's teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
Gabby raised her hand and said, "I think he said'Holy s#1* ! A talking pig!'"
A link to the real story
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
Gabby raised her hand and said, "I think he said'Holy s#1* ! A talking pig!'"
A link to the real story
I was facetiming with Gabby the other Sunday before church and asked what she did there. She said they listened to the preacher and sang songs. She said the rest of the time they had to be very quiet. I said why so quiet? She said "Because people are sleeping.
I had to fly to Tucson to pick up a car from Lora for Mom. I was taking a Southwest flight. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, Sacramento to Tucson with a layover in Las Vegas. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... AAHHHHH! ....DAMMIT!"
Everybody went quiet, waiting for terrible news.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
The guy sitting next to me said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, Sacramento to Tucson with a layover in Las Vegas. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... AAHHHHH! ....DAMMIT!"
Everybody went quiet, waiting for terrible news.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
The guy sitting next to me said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"